Of Diabetics and Mayoras
by XxabridgedgirlyxX
Summary: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, where sadists and badminton players alike roamed the earth, Sugar and Mayonnaise got into a fight. Collection of HijiGin one-shots. Chapter 7: Crossdressing isn't only done by okama
1. Chapter 1

**Spur of the moment, lots of them to follow 3 Ah, HijiGin, so much hotness and idiocy in one couple. Enjoy *evil grin***

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**Only little kids fight over food**

"I have no idea why I go out with you, I don't even like mayonnaise!"

"Well, I don't like sugar!"

Hijikata planted one of his foots on the table and met Gintoki's glare with his own. Friday evening, Hijikata had finished working and Gintoki had finished sleeping. The brats, as Hijikata liked to call them, were staying with the gorilla, as both liked to call her, only when she wasn't listening of course, even the demon vice-commander and the feared Shiroyasha bowed before her might. For some reason or the other, they had decided to eat together. Of course, it wasn't long before they got into an argument that resulted into a fight. Sweat beans and mayonnaise flew through the room and it wasn't long before Hijikata's hair was filled with the small beans and Gintoki's perm was decorated with drops of yellowness, some sliding down his face in his neck.

This strange relationship they had gotten in. They were always fighting with each other, arguing over the smallest details but even so, they would always find themselves returning to the other, as if they literally attracted the other.

The cups were next. Hijikata's one missed his target but Gintoki's didn't. In revenge, he threw his bowl right in Gintoki's face, winking as he realised he had wasted some good mayo. The bowl fell to the floor and broke in four pieces. Gintoki's face was even more covered with mayo and both were breathing a bit hard. They glared each other down. Hijikata knew he had spilled some mayo there, but seeing Gintoki covered in mayo was a new sight, one he wouldn't forget all to easily.

"I'm gonna shower." Gintoki stomped off in the direction of the bathroom. Hijikata winced as he closed the door with a bang and looked over at their 'battlefield'. Everything was covered in either mayo, sweat beans or both. Hijikata knew Gintoki was angry but he also knew it would go over soon enough. The man didn't stay angry long over such trivial things. The sound of the water snapped him out of his thoughts and he heard Gintoki step under the shower.

Pray to Kami he wouldn't start singing, he couldn't survive another 'A Thousand Winds' solo.

Hijikata started cleaning up. He collected the chopsticks, threw them in the trashcan and picked some sweat beans out of his hair. He walked back and noticed the broken bowl on the floor. Hijikata picked up the pieces but winced as he cut one of his fingers on the sharp edges. Some blood trickled down and he held the finger to his lips to stop the bleeding.

"That's karma, you know."

He hadn't heard him coming in.

"Fast shower." Hijikata remarked, standing back up to meet the gaze of the other man. Gintoki had discarded his normal black outfit and wore his white yukata normally for once. His hair was still dripping wet but all traces of mayo were gone and so were some of his curls.

"Mayo washes off quickly."

"Lucky you."

There was a long pause after that, followed by the sound of porcelain being dropped in the trashcan. Gintoki sat down in one of his couches with a sigh and watched as Hijikata sat next to him.

"Sorry 'bout your mayo."

"Damn right you should be."

An anger mark appeared on Gintoki's head.

"This is the time you apologize as well, I was being considerate and apologized first."

"I don't see why I should apologize to a lazy bum like you."

"What was that?! Do you have something against my perm?!"

"I wasn't even talking about that ridiculous perm of yours, you idiot!"

"How dare you say Gin-san's perm's ridiculous! It's what makes me the main character after all!"

Another argument, another fight.

They kept it up till they were too tired to fight anymore, which was about 5 minutes and they settled for silence again.

Hijikata was already reaching for his cigarettes when he noticed some more mayo on the white yukata's collar. Gintoki followed his gaze and noticed the spot as well. He was about to wipe it off till he saw Hijikata moving from the corners of his eyes. The man brought his lips to the collar and licked off the little bit. Gintoki's breathing stopped there for a moment. The other man's lips proceeded to his collarbone and he felt his heart starting to beat faster. Hijikata left kissed on the nape of his neck and he moaned at the other man's contact. The hands wandered inside his yukata, over his chest and he finally reached the others lips.

He stopped right there, and turned back to light his cigarette like nothing had happened.

Gintoki looked deadpanned as Hijikata lighted his cigarette and tried to catch his breath. He pointed a finger at Hijikata accusingly but couldn't bring out a word.

"What?" The dark haired man exhaled the smoke.

"B-but…" Gintoki was still at loss for words.

"You said you didn't like mayonnaise."

Gintoki hung his head in defeat.

Hijikata turned his head away to hide his smirk. _'I won!'_

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**Cookie to the one who was anticipating that xD The sequel will be posted when I get around to writing it. Hope you enjoyed! (and if so, leave a review 3)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh yeah, the sequel to the first one will probably be finished tomorrow, probably… But this just had to be done.**

**Pure. Crack. It's all about the mayo...**

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**Even mayonnaise has feelings**

_Hijikata's list of top priorities in life:_

_1. Mayonnaise_

_2. Gintoki_

_3. Shinsengumi_

"Wha…Why am only second to mayonnaise?!"

"Be glad you're even on the list!"

"Oh admit it, you love me!"

"…"

"Ha! That says it all! Your face is red!"

"Shut up already!"

"But why is mayonnaise first, oi?"

"Mayonnaise and I have been together for quite some time."

"How can you act so casual about this! I demand you tell Mayonnaise about our relationship!"

"But it'd be hurt! You see, it's looking this way!"

"Then go tell it already! You can't hide it forever, it'll notice."

"…"

"It's oddly quiet."

"I've know it for quite some time, I can see when it's upset."

"Maybe we should leave it alone for a bit, you know, to get over the initial shock."

"Probably…"

"It's not everyday you hear you hear someone's been cheating on you…"

"You're one to talk! I was cheating with you!"

"Blabla, details, details…"

"…"

"Wasn't that Gin-san's voice?"

"Ah, there's a bottle of mayonnaise on the table and… it's crying? At least I think so…There's water dripping out of it..."

"…"

"…"

"Should I comfort it?"

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**I have no idea where that came from xD Oh don't worry mayonnaise, there is plenty of other mayo in the sea… I was thinking and was wondering if Hijikata would actually care more about mayonnaise than about Gintoki, and somehow, it turned into this...**

**I don't really know what to say… Any comments?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this is so late! I made some changes to it and it was rather hard to write for some reason. Scratch that, I was just being lazy again. Last chapter was purely crack but this is the sequel to the first chapter, which had a bit less crack. Why'd I write a one-shot about a mayo bottle's feeling again? **

**Warnings: Okita's foul mouth**

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**Revenge is always sweeter when doubled**

He wouldn't call it sadism, he'd describe it as sweet revenge.

Gintoki had planned out everything. It was perfect. Hijikata wouldn't know what hit him. That would get him even, and his next part of his plan of action would get him ahead. It had been approximately one week ago, and he was ready for his revenge. His sweeter-than-parfait revenge, and if his plan worked, which he was sure off, he would be able to buy his weekly Jump and some parfaits along the way.

Life was good, and it was about to get even better.

A knock on the door, just as planned. Gintoki hopped off of his couch and almost jumped over to the door. He opened the door and Hijikata, dressed in his uniform, waited for him at his porch, just as planned. The man entered without a word, his shoulder brushing slightly against his and Gintoki already smelt the cloud of nicotine smoke that hung around Hijikata continuously.

Hijikata sat down on his couch, just as planned, and reached for his pack of cigarettes. Gintoki sat opposite of him and placed an ashtray on the table between them. As the ashtray was placed on the table with a tick, Hijikata looked up at him and quirked up an eyebrow, slightly creeped out by his nice attitude towards him. He was being considerate, letting him in without any comments, giving him an ashtray…

Paranoia had many ways, so Hijikata just knew he was planning something. Getting revenge, just messing with him or maybe pure sadism that he had inherited from being around his subordinate too much? There were many possibilities, although he liked the first two more than the last. At least that wouldn't kill him.

Would it?

Even his paranoia didn't go that far and he lighted his cigarette without a further thought.

Just as planned.

Ginoki got up, threw one last glance in the smoker's direction and headed into the kitchen. He came back with a couple of bowls, two cups and chopsticks. He had no arms left and had to go back to fetch the mayonnaise and also the rice. He opened the fridge and took out the stock of mayonnaise bottles, closed it again and grabbed the rice cooker with his other hand, albeit with some difficulty.

Hijikata looked up and saw that Gintoki was walking, more like wobbling, out of the kitchen, his stock of mayonnaise, approximately 5 bottles, and the rice cooker in hand. He dumped everything on the table and handed the vice-commander his mayonnaise. He sat down in the other couch and handed the dark haired man his cup and bowl.

"So, any news today?"

Hijikata raised an eyebrow and looked at Gintoki, his eyes narrowing.

"What's up with the small talk? Are you planning something?" He handed the silver haired man his bowl.

"What's with the suspicion, Oogushi-kun?" He took the bowl in from the man and filled it with rice before handing it to the vice-commander again.

"You hang around Sougou too much, he's always planning something."

Gintoki filled his own bowl with rice. "True."

The freelancer couldn't keep the grin of his face as he slowly ate his rice. This didn't go unnoticed by Hijikata and the latter stopped drowning his rice in mayonnaise for a few seconds to look up at Gintoki.

"What are you grinning about?" His eyes narrowed even more.

"Nothing, your paranoia really hurts Gin-san, you know."

* * *

Hijikata was the first one to wake up, he blinked a few times and looked at his surroundings.

Gintoki's bedroom.

Their clothes were tossed around the futon and their swords were laying next to each other by the door. He moved a bit but found that the hands that were around his waist restricted his movements. Hijikata looked down and found the owner of the bedroom sleeping at his right, arms around him and face buried in his side.

He smiled at the sight, at least he was quiet now, and turned around to rest his chin on top of the others head. The soft curls tickled his throat but he didn't really care right now. He ran one of his hands through the silver curls and fell asleep again not so soon after.

If he had only checked before falling asleep, he would have seen the smirk on the seemingly sleeping Gintoki's face.

_'That's one for me, Oogushi-kun'_

* * *

"Hijikata-san, you seem to be in a good mood today." Okita folded his arms behind his head and kept following his superior on his way to his office.

"Hmm, maybe."

He wanted to shut the door in the young captain's face but he was already inside before he could even blink. He didn't want to deal with this today. He ignored him and walked over to his desk, placing his ashtray on it. Okita was still standing and watched him intensively. It innerved him, but he tried to ignore it. His good mood had been replaced by the usual scowl on his face. He searched for his cigarettes and put one of them between his lips to calm himself down.

'_Now where did I leave my lighter?'_ He searched through all his pockets but found none. It was his last one and he doubted any other Shinsengumi member would have one. All matches had been burnt by Okita's latest stunt the other day and like hell he was using one of his explosives to light up. He sighed and scratched his hair, so that was what the Yorozuya was up to last night. Now they were even.

_'That idiot and his childish pranks.'_

"I'm going out to buy a lighter." He got up and took out his wallet. Okita was still watching him with mild interest.

Hijikata pulled out his wallet, only to notice with shock that all his money was gone. He looked in the wallet again and his hand began to shake with anger once he realized what was going on.

Somewhere in Edo, a silver haired samurai was buying himself a few parfaits and was reading his Jump while devouring the sweet ice-cream, a huge grin on his face.

'_That bastard…' _Hijikata could already imagine the smug look on that silver haired perm's face once he'd see him. He was going to suffer…

"Ah~", Okita peered over his shoulder and saw the wallet was empty, "Didn't know Danna was that expensive…" He whistled and then made a very relaxed run for it. He watched as Hijikata chased him, swinging his sword and cursing him for all he was worth.

"Ah, don't get so upset Hijikata-san, it was a joke, you know, a joke." Hijikata seemed to slow down a bit at that, but he didn't stop chasing him nonetheless. They passed through the barracks and finally made their way into the dining room, where all Shinsengumi members were present. OKita ran between the tables in, Hijikata hot on his heels.

The young captain sped up, all the while avoiding his superior's attacks, and then said in an extra loud voice: "We all know you'd never be able to afford getting laid by Danna."

The whole Shinsengumi would've never survive the wrath of their vice-commander.

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**Gotta love Okita xD I'm writing another HijiGin one-shot right now as well, but the plot's annoying me a bit. I know what to put in there but I can't seem to get in on paper, or computer in this case. Ah so frustrating~**

**Reviews are rewarded with a glass of strawberry milk and a cookie~**


	4. Chapter 4

**Based on galeaya's comment on LJ: Maybe Okita can prank them both**

**I feel accomplished, I finally mana****ged to finish this and write further on my other project as well. Yes, I fell accomplished…**

**Warnings: This has been partly written and checked while listening to 'Po Pi Po'. The writer is not responsible for any unwanted after-effects.**

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**Drink**** your milk up, Okaa-san says so!**

"I'm bored…"

"Then why did you even come?"

"Ah, don't be so cold, Oogushi-kun. That hurts Gin-san, you know!"

"Like I care!"

"…"

"This is boring…"

"Stop complaining!"

"I especially reserved this evening and vice-commander-san forgot he had to patrol, youth nowadays…"

"I didn't forget, you idiot! One of the members fell sick!"

"That's because he lacks calcium, you hear me? Calcium!"

"Like that would have any effect!"

"Of course it would! Real men drink strawberry milk for breakfast, making them strong enough so they don't get infected by silly little things like the flu!"

"Like calcium would do that!"

"But of course!"

"You idiot, everyone knows mayo is much better than that pink substance you like to gulp down!"

"You're the only one on the whole planet who'd think that! What are you? A mayonnaise monster?!"

"But you don't see me getting sick, now do you?"

"That's because the bacteria are just afraid of the mayo! They avoid you at all costs!"

"Like hell they do! Stop stalking me!" Hijikata Toshirou stormed off through the dark streets of Edo, trying to lose the silver haired freelancer at all possible costs.

"But still, Hijikata-kun~," Gintoki followed him and added a whiny tone at the end of his name, "We've been together so long and you're still so cold towards me." The vice-commander stopped at the 'together for so long' part and tried to stop the twitching of his right eyebrow. Hijikata heard the other come closer and his chest was pressed against his back, one of his arms casually around his middle. His breath tickled against his ear and he added. "Isn't that right?"

_'Damn immature brat.'_

His hand had slipped under his shirt and he started to kiss his neck carefully.

"Not here you idiot." Hijikata kept down the volume and pulled him away by his hair. The other lost his balance and landed ass-first on the ground, holding his head where Hijikata had assaulted his hair.

"That hurt! I'm gonna go bald if you keep pulling at my delicate hair."

Hijikata snorted at the 'delicate' part and walked on, ignoring the whining man on the ground.

He couldn't say he wasn't enjoying it but he had made a rule with the freelancer not to disturb him while he was working, a rule that Gintoki liked to ignore. Hijikata had tried to keep their change in relationship a secret from the rest of the Shinsengumi – and the whole public in general - but Sougou's public announcement of last week had made an end to that. He hadn't gotten much of a reaction besides the ever-lasting silence, the blank stares and looks of fright when he had looked them right in the eye. Sougo had only brushed past him with a sadistic grin on his face. Kondo had even come up to him, had laid a hand on his shoulder and had started crying from happiness, or had it been shock?

Gintoki had gotten up from his position on the ground of the deserted street and brushed himself off before once again following the officer.

"Why couldn't we have stayed in the patrol car instead of Okita-kun and that Jimi?"

"Yamazaki."

Hijikata just hummed and send Gintoki a last glance over his shoulder before crossing the street and heading towards the non-lit part of town. He'd stand out in his uniform, but the fact that he was the feared and notorious demon-vice-commander kept most of them at a fair distance. He wondered if Gintoki was still following but kept his gaze on the road in front of him. Hijikata could still see fairly well in the dark but found the presence of his katana comforting. He stopped and heard footsteps behind him, undoubtedly those of Gintoki. He snatched his cigarettes out of his pocket in annoyance. The flame from the lighter made his surroundings more visible - so he could distinguish a silver perm behind him - before everything lapsed into semi-darkness again.

"Hey, Nii-chan." He looked up from lighting his cigarette but was sure the voice didn't address him and wanted to walk on it hit him. Obviously that idiot would stand out with his looks, the bright silver hair and blood red eyes, and it was no wonder he'd attract trouble wherever he passed. Hijikata wasn't naïve, he knew what happened around these parts and why sane people avoided this place at all costs - not that the Yorozuya was sane. He'd been an idiot to come here in the first place, it was only natural Gintoki wouldn't give up and follow him even here. He considered just walking on, even if the other was a lazy bum, his skills as a swordsman were unmatched and even topped his own. But another part of him - probably the part that wasn't very sane - wanted to turn back.

"Yeah, you." This was a different voice – it sounded quite close - and Hijikata knew he was dealing with a gang. They seemed to ignore him, only mildly aware of his presence, and were focussed on his… Hijikata didn't really know, friend, rival, lover… He couldn't be considered a friend but a mix of the last two probably was the closest to what Gintoki was to him, so it wasn't all that strange that he felt a need to help him, or was it? He had to admit he acted cold towards him in public - and he wasn't planning on changing that - but now he felt rather, overprotective? He had never been overprotective of something – not counting the one time when he had protected his mayo from a Sougo-attack- and he found it strange that their relationship had already come to this certain point.

"Hn?" Gintoki looked up at the caller with dead fish eyes. Hijikata stopped abruptly and without a second thought, grabbed the other by his collar and dragged him away. He send them a last menacing look over his shoulder – effectively shutting them up - before taking a right and leaving the alleyway behind him. They had landed in an even narrower one but on the end, Hijikata could already see the bright lights of Kabukichou, Edo's notorious red light district.

"Oi, oi! Oogushi-kun! Stop dragging Gin-san with you…" Hijikata didn't listen to the rest of his rant and noticed he was still holding him by his collar. He released him and watched Gintoki dust himself off, ranting on about bad manners and youth nowadays, throwing in some curse words here and there.

"But still, Hijikata-kun, what's gotten into you? Gin-san can take care of himself you know," He straightened himself and smirked, "Or was that genuine worry?"

Hijikata tried to ignore that comment but the need to wipe that cocky smirk off his face was too big.

"Hn? Oogu-" Hijikata held the other's face firmly with his two hands so he couldn't get away and crushed his lips on the others. Gintoki quickly responded and one of his hands snaked around his waist while the other was playing with his hair. Hijikata released his face without breaking their contact and pressed the other more firmly against him, strangely at ease by their close contact. He pushed Gintoki against a wall and felt him sliding down. He let himself fall on his knees and caught his breath after finally breaking their kiss and rested his forehead against the others, his blue eyes not breaking contact with Gintoki's red ones. He had gotten the smirk of his face but it seemed he had gotten into it too, which was all the more victory for Hijikata. His hands were holding him up, his arms on either side of Gintoki. The ground was dirty and he felt a small stone dig into the palm of his hand but he found it too comfortable and wanted to stay like this for some time. His breath slowly steadied and he spoke up.

"2-2, we'll finish this at your place when I'm done patrolling."

"You don't really want to stop, do you?"

Hijikata closed his eyes and slowly got up. _'Maybe so, but I still am the respectable vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, I am not one to give into primal urge-'_

"..Or so does the slight bulge in your pants tell me…"

* * *

"That wasn't nice, you know. Gin-san isn't into SM." Gintoki nursed the bump on his head - which he had received from the now pissed vice-commander, obviously – and kept an eye on the person in front of him. After his comment – which had been perfectly innocent by the way – he had just kicked him and stomped away furiously. He didn't even get a response and Gintoki wondered if he was angry – he happened to have missed the dark aura that the dark haired man was emitting – and wondered if he should leave him alone if he wanted to survive the night.

'_I could leave him now, so he realises how much he needs my company and just pulls me back with him.'_ Gintoki thought but shook his head. _'Pestering is definitely more effective.' _

He fastened his pace to walk right next to the vice-commander, who was now emitting an even darker aura which Gintoki still didn't seem to notice at all, and picked his nose to kill time. Hijikata tried to ignore Gintoki for the umpteenth time that evening and calmed himself down. He should've just left him out in that alleyway to get beat up by those punks, but then again, he'd have to clear up the mess afterwards as well so it was probably best this way.

The street's lights flickered for a few seconds and Hijikata looked up in confusion. He narrowed his eyes to avoid looking directly in the light and saw the light flicker for a last time before it went out. He hadn't realised he had stopped but did when Gintoki bumped full force into his back. The silver haired man rubbed his nose where it had come in contact with the other's back.

"Why did you stop so suddenly?" He sounded a bit funny because he was holding his nose but Hijikata did not make a remark.

"The lights went out! Did you even notice?" He turned around to face him and was ready to take another go at their previous argument.

"Of course! But is that a reason to stop?" Gintoki retorted accusingly but quickly grinned and held his chin with his right index finger and thumb. "Or is the great demon vice-commander scared in the dark?"

Hijikata's eyebrow twitched before taking a swing at his head with his katana. "Like hell I am! You're the one with the perm here!" Gintoki dodged the katana gleefully but his expression changed drastically at the mention of his hair.

"Now I heard it! You definitely insulted Gin-san's perm there!" He pulled out his bokuto and held it in front of him with both hands, glaring at Hijikata who was also taking on a fighting stance.

Hijikata's eyes narrowed. "Bring it on!"

Gintoki swung his bokuto and their swords clashed against each other. It was a moon-lit night and perfect for a late night match, or so both thought. Another swing at the right and Gintoki dodged to the left to spin around and bring down his bokuto on the vice-commander's katana.

"Na, Hijikata-kun, you do know ghosts wander around at night?"

Hijikata grinned and swiped his katana at his legs. Gintoki jumped up and dodged it, using his left hand to find support on Hijikata's right shoulder and used it to flip over his head and land behind him. The black haired man spun around and met Gintoki's bokuto with his own metal katana and smirked.

"I'm glad ghosts like sweet things." Gintoki frowned at this and blinked. _'They do?'_

_Klang_

A sound was heard and both men were gone. A black trashcan shook a little and the lid was slowly lifted. The silver haired man looked over the border of the trashcan and said with a quivering voice.

"N-ne, H-h-hijikata-kun, there's n-n-no n-n-need to get sc-sc-scared you k-know…"

"I-I wasn't s-scared, I j-ju-just thought I saw Ka-katsura." Hijikata poked his head out of a broken window – where he had presumably jumped through – and looked back at Gintoki. A few pieces of glass where stuck in his head and the blood slowly dripped on both sides of his head but he didn't seem to notice it.

"How could he be in there!" Gintoki jumped up and the lid fell of his head back onto the ground, making another loud clacking noise.

"N-na, Hijikata-kun, I knew you were scared." In all the confusion and ghosts, Hijikata had jumped into the trashcan as well, sweating, but it wasn't really visible through all the blood he was rapidly losing because of the cuts on his head.

"I-I t-t-told y-you already, I-I was merely s-spooked."

"I-I can h-hear your v-voice qu-quivering! D-don't try to d-deny it!"

"Y-your v-voice is t-the on-one's who's q-quivering!"

They glared at each other accusingly and after finally slowing their racing hearts, Gintoki sighed and scratched his hair. He stood up and wanted to get out of the trashcan but he was somehow unable to exit the black can. Hijikata watched the man struggle and shook his head before also trying to get out, which didn't really work to his fear. Gintoki turned his head slowly at Hijikata and started sweating.

"Hijikata-kun, it seems I can't get out."

He looked at the man with disbelief and moved some more around just to come to the conclusion it was also impossible for he himself.

"This is all your fault! You eat way too much sugar!"

"Look who's talking, mayo-addict!"

"What did you say?"

They both held the other by his collar and glared daggers at each other, trying all the while to get out of the trashcan. After some more punches and failed attempts to escape, they both sighed and gave up. Gintoki narrowed his eyes and tried to look around. The moon was giving enough light so they could see their surroundings, but the details were a bit vague. Hijikata looked the other way to find something that could at least improve their current situation a bit but.

"G-g-g-g…"

"What is it?" Hijikata turned around to face him and instantly turned pale.

* * *

"Ah, where is captain Okita?" Yamazaki looked out of the window of their patrol car, squinting his eyes to look around in the dark. The red light coming from the lantern didn't help much and the lights had gone out a few minutes ago. He heard the other door open and someone stepped in.

"Ah, captain!" Yamazaki turned to the other man and blinked a few times. He spoke up after a few seconds. "What are you wearing, sir?"

"Ah, this?" Okita looked down at his clothes and quickly threw something – Yamazaki couldn't see what it was but it looked like something you used to cut wires- out of the window.

'_This person's __clearly is getting rid of the evidence, isn't he!_'

"This is for jogging."

He sweat-dropped.

"No, sir, no matter how you look at it, it is a Halloween costume…"

"Huh?" Yamazaki heard a faint yelling in the distance and he narrowed his eyes to get a better look. There was something rolling past them a few meters away, something that was actually yelling. Yamazaki watched the thing roll by, a flash of white, black, white black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black – Yamazaki lost count after that- and it was gone.

"What was that, just now…?"

Okita looked genuinely surprised and quickly scanned the street in fake-interest. "What was what?"

Yamzaki gulped. "I won't press the issue any further…"

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**I haven't updated enough, consider this one. I'll try to update more frequently...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Whenever I write something, I think 'This time, I'll write something serious!'. Then, when I start writing...**

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**Don't try to do too much on a warm day**

His body ached all over and he slowly dragged his body with him. Sweat collected on his forehead and it slowly dripped off both sides of his flushed face. Gintoki looked accusingly up at the sky, narrowing his eyes to avoid his eyes getting burnt by the blazing sun. His throat felt dry, he needed a drink, fast. It was tempting to pass out now, but he couldn't, not here. He dragged himself a few more steps and came to a halt, trying to slow his ragged breathing. He could hear his heart beat rapidly and each passing second was agonizing. He rested his hands on his knees for a bit and slowly straightened himself to go on. He took a step forward, but it all finally took its toll on him. His head spun and the next second, he was laying on the dusty ground.

"Gin-san, I know it's hot but please don't act so dramatic, you're scaring people." Shinpachi stared at the man laying flat on the ground, trying to ignore the looks passers-by were giving the young man for not helping his friend when he clearly was in agony.

"But Shinpachi-kun," The unconscious body said, face still in the dust, "It's so hot… Gin-san's dying over here!"

"Then die alone." Shinpachi turned around swiftly and walked on.

"Shinpachi! Don't leave Gin-san here to die!" He wailed dramatically, "When I die, I'll fire you!"

"Gin-san, if you're dead, you can't fire me."

"True…" Gintoki finally lifted his head off of the ground, holding his chin in thought. "But Shinpachiii!" He reached out with his right arm but his employee had already taken a run for it. He pulled himself up and sat with his legs crossed - still in the middle of the road – and sighed loudly. _'Damn Four-Eyes.'_

"Gin-san can't take the heat, you know. My sensitive skin can't take all that UV, I need some sun cream, but then again, it'd get all sticky." He leaned with his chin on his right palm, "I need airco, but then again, I don't have money for one! Aarhg!" He yelled out loudly - making all people in a three meter radius jump up in surprise - and pulled at his hair in frustration.

"I barely have enough money to buy the weekly Jump, let alone airco. But then again, Jump won't come out next week so does that make it ok to buy an airco?"

"Well, Danna, if you want one, you can just buy one." Okita suddenly stood next to him, eye mask on.

"But then I wouldn't have enough money to buy the Jump of the week after next week! Shut up if you're not going to give any worthwhile advice!" He spat, obviously irritated by both the heat and his low sugar.

"Screaming out your frustrations in the middle of the street won't help, Danna. If you disrupt the peace, I'll have to arrest you." Okita sat next to him on the ground, resting his arms behind his neck to take a nap.

"Oi, Okita-kun, how can you even wear that uniform? Oi, do you have so much sadistic energy that it cancels out the heat, oi." He massaged his own neck and looked annoyed at the young captain. The heat seemd to have no effect whatsoever on him.

"The temperature is high enough to melt sugar." He wiped the sweat off of his brow with his right hand and let his head hang. After a few more seconds, he groaned in frustration and let himself fall on his back, using his two arms to protect his face from the blazing sun. That stupid boll, just hanging there all high and mighty in the sky, trying to melt him. Like hell he was going to give in to an overgrown floating golf ball with a god-complex.

'_Where is Hyourinmaru when you need it?' _

Peace wasn't available in Edo and he had to suppress a sigh once he heard the 'Ah, Danna, here as well?' coming from his right. Gintoki slightly moved his arms to see where the voice was coming from, although he already had a hunch. Besides Okita, there weren't many who called him 'Danna', except for the local Prince of Tennis parody and the rest of their followers.

He didn't bother answering and just hummed in response, covering his eyes with his arms again.

"Okita-taichou, shouldn't we head back to Fukuchou already?" Yamazaki turned to his superior, whilst Gintoki tried to seem not too interested in the conversation, "At least the patrol car has airco."

Okita didn't give an answer and pretended to sleep.

"Captain..?" Yamazaki seemed almost afraid to wake his bazooka-loving superior.

"Ma, we should be getting back to the station instead." Okita sprung up from the ground, made a small wave in the main character's direction and stopped a random car, confiscating it for police use. He sat in the driver's seat and took off, leaving Yamazaki to run after him. He almost hit a few innocent passers-by on the way and disappeared after a while. The kid was truly frightening, just like his driving style. He saw Yamazaki jump on a bike –also confiscated for police use – and chase the car at full badminton speed.

Gintoki had been abandoned again and he sighed. He threw the yukata's left sleeve of off his shoulder to try and cool himself off, not succeeding in the least.

'_Let's go find Oogushi-kun.'_

_

* * *

_

"Alright, retreat for now, over." Hijikata put down the radio again and sighed, setting the airco on maximum. They had said today would be the hottest day in years, and he damn well was sure of it. You could bake an egg on the street, and he didn't know why exactly he had to patrol today. It was warm, sane people stayed inside and like hell the any of the Jouishishi were gonna come out today, even they had enough sense in them that it was not healthy to try to do too much on a warm day like this. It was just plain torture, Sougou was probably behind it, planning to make him melt from the heat and take the vice-commander position while he had turned into liquid. Even now he had disappeared together with Yamazaki to slack off somewhere. He didn't mind the silence for once, but he couldn't calm down knowing that any second, Sougou'd be there to aim his bazooka at him.

He heard the door open and someone sat down on the passenger's seat. He looked at his right and saw the Yorozuya now taking in Sougou's usual place, his yukata thrown off of his shoulders and his shirt wide open to try and survive this heat.

"It's just too damn hot." He held his face as close as possible by the airco, making his curly hair blow in every direction.

"Get out."

"Ah, but Oogushi-kun~, Gin-san will really die if he goes back out there."

"Then die already." Hijikata opened the door and kicked the man out on the streets, swiftly closing the door again so it would remain cool in the car. He set his sights back on the street in front of him. The radio cracked some more and Hijikata shifted his gaze from the abandoned street back to the device, but no voice came out. He picked it up and examined it with a questioning look.

'_Is it broken?'_ He turned the radio in his hand. _'Did Sougou put a bomb in there or something?'_ He stopped right there and raised an eyebrow while looking over every inch of the little black box before putting it back. _'Safe enough.'_

The door opened again and he didn't even look up.

"I already told you to stay outside." He pushed the man back with his right foot, but he was damn strong for someone who was claiming to be on the verge of dying. "Fine then." He gave up after feeling even more sweat making his way down. He unwillingly let him in and immediately shifted his attention back to the abandoned street in front of him. Gintoki sat in front of the airco some more and hummed a bit. It remained peaceful, until Gintoki yawned loudly and let his head fall in the dark-haired man's lap.

Hijikata looked at Gintoki and his voice held a deadly undertone that didn't go unnoticed by the man resting in his lap."What the hell are you doing?"

"Sleeping."

"I can see that, get off! It even too damn hot to get a smoke let alone be used as a pillow."

"Gin-san's very tired, you know. I walked around whole freaking Edo to find you, I even had to stop once because it was too warm and Gin-san was on the verge of collapsing."

"My point being. Get. Off."

"Don't wanna."

"Fine…."

"You're being rather calm today." Gintoki answered, noting the lack of dead-threats and punches today.

"It's too damn hot, and stop fidgeting!"

He yanked at the man's hair and earned a yelp from the resting form in his lap.

"I get it already! Leave my perm out of this!"

He released his death-grip on his hair but didn't remove his hand from the others head. A few minutes passed in silence and Hijikata really thought he had fallen asleep - the lack of 'Oogushi-kun~' was on obvious hint - before the man spoke up again.

"Are there even any people outside?"

"Sleeping people aren't supposed to talk."

"Just answer."

Hijikata sighed and continued his mindless staring into the streets of Edo, "No, none."

The next seconds Hijikata felt himself being pulled down by his collar. Gintoki's mouth was both refreshing and cool, but Hijikata certainly didn't feel like he cooled down. Under normal circumstances, he'd not allow these kind of things during work, but there wasn't anyone outside right now, so he could let it slip.

He kissed him back calmly while Gintoki sat up again and felt the man's hands wander over his exposed chest. Gintoki started to unbutton the uniform's dress shirt already, but it took more time than he had anticipated.

"Get on with it already." Hijikata removed the blue waistband and threw the white yukata on the back seat.

"Why is this shirt so damn hard to take off?" Gintoki was losing his patience quickly. Hijikata took the mans wrists and pushed him down on the other seat, not wanting to wait for him to finish. He kissed him again and freed Gintoki from his grasp, now feeling the man's hands dig into his hair. He successfully removed his dress shirt himself and threw it after the yukata.

Maybe it wasn't too hot to be doing this.

The radio cracked again and both Hijikata and Gintoki felt their mouths fall open from shock once a very familiar voice started to speak.

"Hijikata-san, Hijikata-san, we'd all appreciate it if you'd turn off your radio while you're unclothing Danna." Hijikata was rendered speechless, so was Gintoki, "Once you're finished there please report back to the barracks, Hijikata-san."

"…"

Gintoki looked at Hijikata, who was on the verge of explosion.

"…"

"Oh and Danna," They both looked at the radio again, "Don't wear him down too much, he still needs to patrol tomorrow."

Hijikata threw the radio almost in a thousand pieces, "Fuck you!"

"No, it's 'Danna', Hijikata-san, don't be a two-timer."

"Yes, Oogushi-kun, how could you!"

"You shut up already!" And he whacked Gintoki on his head.

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**Again I made Okita catch them, I always do that... Last something; if you have a request, please send it over. I don't care which pairing, plot bunnies don't visit me that frequently. I don't need that much, just the pairing(s) and what you want to see in it. This does sound a little desperate... Back to my fic, I hope you enjoyed and I'll try to update more frequently. But in the end, I always say that and then another twenty-three days pass before I update again. Ah, life...**


	6. Chapter 6

**First of all, I want to thank everyone who has reviewed! So many! I thank you all, every review has given me the courage to continue writing. Next, I know Halloween was yesterday, but something came up and I only just got around to finishing it, but it's still somewhere in the world Halloween so here you go. Please do enjoy.

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**A Grim Reaper isn't the same as a Shinigami**

Hijikata cursed, lit a cigarette and blew the offending smoke into the cold evening air. _'Damn festival.'_ How were they supposed to protect the Shogun while whole damn Edo was running around in costumes. _'Damn Halloween.'_ It wasn't even a holiday, just some strange custom brought over by the Amanto, and to improve the relationship between the foreigners and the people of Edo, the Shogun had called for a festival. Every single stall was decorated with pumpkins, candles, garlic, knives – was that a Grim Reaper he'd just seen? – and other related items. He had beaten up Yamazaki only a few minutes ago since he had even dared to run around like a mummy while they were on duty. Kondo had told him to relax a bit and enjoy the festival, seeing as the security was pretty tight and neither Takasugi nor Katsura had been spotted for over two months.

'_Like that's going to stop them, Takasugi is always out to overthrow the government.'_ He recalled Itou and his betrayal and involuntarily quickened his pace. He passed even more stalls, even more weird black hats, brooms, a blondish girl with a scythe that suddenly started to say something – he had learned to ignore all this, he had seen stranger things happen – and now he swore he had seen that Grim Reaper again. He looked back and forth and jumped when he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. He spun around and held his katana in front of him, ready to fight for his life when he saw the Grim Reaper himself standing in front of him, black robe and scythe, the whole package. He was speechless for one whole second when a familiar voice came from under the hood.

"Ma, Hijikata-san," The Grim Reaper pulled off his hood to reveal the deadliest of his subordinates, "Don't be so jumpy, it's just a festival." And he switched the scythe back to his right hand. Hijikata had come over the initial shock enough to yell at him.

"Why the fuck are you dressed up like that?!"

"Hijikata-san, it's a festival, Kondo-san told us to enjoy the festival." Sougo motioned behind him, where a Kondo dressed up as gorilla – or was he always like that? – jumped towards a very pissed off looking witch with a familiar uppercut, followed by what he thought was supposed to be a werewolf and a ghost girl with bright colored hair. The picture seemed wrong for some reason – not the fact that they were all dressed up and the witch was almost killing the gorilla whilst the werewolf was trying to stop her and the ghost had suddenly gotten into a brawl with the Grim Reaper - it was more like someone was missing. If they were hanging around here, he was bound to be around here somewhere…

He huffed, turned around and started walking, leaving all the mayhem behind him. He heard some more yelling and saw the witch deliver the final falcon punch to the gorilla who went flying into the late evening sky. The Grin Reaper was busy beating up the ghost, swinging around that scythe while both were destroying the festival in the process.

Hijikata walked around, convincing himself that he was not looking for the damn bastard, he was just patrolling, looking for suspicious longhaired or one-eyed terrorists - or for a crazy sadist running around in a black robe for that matter – certainly not a silver perm-head who could only spout nonsense and steal his wallet. Speaking of that, he still needed to get him back for that.

He wondered if there was another test of courage, and his thoughts drifted back to a certain someone. Hijikata growled in annoyance, the bastard was growing on him even if he was a pain in the ass 90% of the times, 9% of the time he was a slightly less pain in the ass and the other 1% he was bearable. Hijikata put out his cigarette and threw it in a trash can, already lighting up a second one. He heard some more destruction in Sougo's direction but ignored it, he wasn't going to baby-sit him today. Kondo had told him to take it easy for now, and for once, he was going to follow his advice. No harm done, he could still enjoy the festival while looking out for terrorists. Enjoy was maybe the wrong word, tolerate suited better. He wasn't very fond of this 'Halloween', what had happened to their old traditions? Of course they still celebrated the spirits' departure in August, luckily, but surely they didn't have to take over all of the Amanto's habits. _'Damn foreigners.' _And for once, Hijikata could align himself with the Jouishishi's cause. He still thought about the matter and ended up thinking about the war, and again the image came to his mind. Again the silver perm-head. His ties with Katsura and Takasugi, his skilled swordsmanship… He still hadn't figured out who he was, but he doubted he would anytime soon.

Hijikata was still deep in though when he noticed he had sort of drifted off from the festival, arriving at the supposed 'test of courage' but only there was no one present. He didn't mind, the silence was welcoming, but couldn't stop himself from looking around out of curiosity. The place seemed almost abandoned, apart from a few candles that were burning and a… coffin? That looked a bit out of place. He didn't really know what the whole idea was but he neared it anyway. It was rather sinister, black, only some candles and… something else? He could hear something and he swore it came from the coffin. He had dealt with enough nasty surprises today, he wasn't going to fall for that one again. He unsheathed his katana and slowly neared the coffin, preparing himself for whatever was coming. He guessed Sougo, or something related to him was going to jump out. He was now next to the coffin and still nothing had jumped out, he unwillingly sheathed his katana again and peered into the coffin.

There was someone lying in there, dressed up in strange clothes and Hijikata's eyes wandered over the figure, till he reached his face. _'Is that who I think it is?'_ He took another look and brought his face closer, hovering over the body.

"My, my, how pleasant to see you here, Oogushi-kun."

Hijikata had tried not to be surprised by that but still slightly jumped as the eyes flew open to reveal red irises and that all too familiar voice greeted him.

"Can't say the same about you…"

"How cold, even though Gin-san's a vampire, doesn't mean he doesn't have any feelings left…"

Gintoki sat upright and scratched his hair that was combed back, yawning and stretching, presumable from lying in the coffin too long.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Hijikata was slightly pissed, even though he had supposedly found the one he had not been looking for.

"I'm on a job."

"You're dressed up as a vampire…"

"I'm dressed up as a vampire for the job, I don't have money to spare you know…"

Hijikata's eyebrow twitched. "There was enough money in my wallet, mind you…"

"About that…"

Hijikata let it go, no way he was going to see any of his money back. He lit another cigarette, blew the smoke purposely in the other man's face and watched the irritation grow.

"Why are you here anyway?"

"I already told you, a job where I just have to sleep in a coffin. More importantly, why are you here?"

"Looking for Sougo."

"Okita-kun?"

"He's dressed up as a Shinigami, he should be around here somewhere."

"Shinigami? I've only seen the Grin Reaper around here, you know…"

"It's the same thing."

"No, it's not, have you never read Bleach? They'd come and kill you if you called them Grim Reapers."

"I don't read that childish bullshit."

"Who was the one going crazy about Sailer Moon only a few months ago?"

"…"

Hijikata went silent.

Gintoki ignored the deadly look – or even the fact that black aura was assembling around his and that Hijikata was reaching for his katana – and continued. "But seriously, Oogushi-kun, are you stalking me?" Gintoki grinned," Okita-kun is probably enjoying the festival over there, beating up Kagura in the process, or was there another reason why you wandered off? Unconsciously looking for me?"

Hijikata resisted the urge to use his katana and sheathed it again. "Get real!" He turned around and wanted to storm off – even if it was to just hide the bit of embarrassment that was visible on his face – but remembered Sougo was still running around somewhere probably looking to decapitate him, or at least cut off a limb or two. He could stay here, take the insults and probably get into a fight again, or go to the festival and risk to be killed whenever he rounded another corner, the choice was quickly made.

Gintoki noticed he had just stopped halfway and lay his head on his right shoulder, arms around his neck. Hijikata didn't react violently, he didn't even say anything and Gintoki wondered if something was wrong, but quickly changed his mind and used the moment to his own advantage.

"If you're not going anywhere, Gin-san would only be glad to entertain you." He whispered in his ear, getting no reaction – usually it was either embarrassment, an attempt to injure him or both – but Hijikata just sighed, not even trying to shake the man off. He put out his cigarette and scratched his hair.

"Fine…"

Gintoki grinned, showing off his vampire teeth again.

"But first take those things out of your mouth."

"Anything for you, my little Werewolf~"

He didn't even try to dodge the fist that came flying at him.

* * *

Okita Sougo, still dressed in black robe, roamed around the festival after getting into a fight with a ghost. He had gotten some strange looks from people attending the festival as they saw the Grim Reaper get into a fight with a ghost girl. He looked around for someone new to torture, but found none – he presumed Yamazaki had already gotten killed– and Kondo had just told him to enjoy the festival instead of fighting the whole time with either China or Hijikata. His _definition_ of fun was torturing Hijikata, so he searched the festival for his superior.

After a while – he had given up and had bought something to eat – he saw the dark haired man coming from the supposed 'Test of courage' that no one went to anyway. His shirt was slightly open and he was just wounding the scarf around his neck. He combed his hair with his fingers to look decent and after pulling at his jacket a last time, he walked slowly towards the festival, not knowing that Okita Sougo had just followed his every move.

The young captain narrowed his eyes.

Hijikata presumed he looked decent enough and soon enough he reached the festival again. He looked around, searching for his superior or another Shinsengumi member that _at least_ hadn't forgotten why they were attending the festival.

"Hijikata-san~" Hijikata tried not to jump, he had asked for a reliable member of their forces, not the assassin that was after his life.

"Still so jumpy, Hijikata-san."

"Get lost, I'm not in the mood to be killed."

Sougo looked genuinely surprised, "Hijikata-san, there's no way I'd ever want to kill you, I just wanted to give you some garlic."

Hijikata's mouth fell open.

"I hope Danna hasn't bitten you, otherwise this really would kill you."

"That's what you're hoping for!" And Hijikata didn't even try to deny the fact, his reputation had been long lost anyway.

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**That was it then, but it seems all my fics always sort of have the same storyline, and there's always Sougo in there... Oh well, I hope you enjoyed!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Fastest update in history probably. I received a review asking whether or not I wanted to write a story involving Paako. So Ari, I thank you kindly for the review, I'm glad you like my stories. And with this, here is your request, HijiGin with Paako, but it gets a bit more complicated near the end with all the crossdressing... I hope you enjoy!**

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**Crossdressing isn't only done by okama**

'_It's for the rent.'_ He swung his hips and tried to focus more on the dancing then on his thoughts, _'It's for the rent, there's no helping it. If you don't finish this job, you will get thrown out of your house.'_ The room reeked of cigarettes, even though there were only a few customers. The pace of the song quickened and he had a harder time keeping up. _'You don't want to starve to death, you have a pet and a kid who can eat their whole weight in food fifty times a day, you don't need pride in these hard times…'_

"Paako, swing your hips more~" Came the voice from Agomi, that damn bastard…

'_You don't need pride… Don't need it. Don't… Naha, no, none…'_

Gintoki continued to dance to the music whilst the guests clapped and Agomi played the shamisen in the far corner,

'_But why do I always have to be the one dancing?! I can't even dance!'_

Damn okama, damn rent, damn old bat with her rent and damn Kagura for using all their money – correction, his money – to buy herself sukonbu. Why did he have to be the one to get out to work? She was the one that had eaten them bankrupt. And damn the little pink fans he had to dance with. Thank god for him, the song finally finished and he bowed, quickly descending from the stage. Agomi stood up from his/her position on the ground, where he/she had played the shamisen and walked up to him. "You danced wonderfully, Paako!"

"Shut up, Agomi!" He replied, fixing his kimono a bit, damn dress-code…

"It's Azumi, you idiot! How long are you gonna keep up that joke?!"

"It's all the same…" And he took the shamisen from him/her, saying that he wasn't going to be the one who was dancing the next song. He started to play – A Thousand Winds, he didn't know any other song – not really paying attention to what was going on, and continued to do so for a few seconds, only to have 'Agomi' – "It's Azumi, you idiot!" – snatch it away again, saying that he'd better leave the playing to him/her. He stood up again and walked over to the bar, if he was lucky, there wouldn't be that much customers this evening so he could finish this job without being all too humiliated. And finally get his money, the most important part. Just why did he have to be in an okama bar? Seriously, he could go work as a host for all he cared, but someone might get a little jealous, so he worked like this, less chance that he discovered him here.

"That's alright, Paako," Mademoiselle Saigou – aka the monster – approached him and handed Gintoki a bottle of sake. "We're shorthanded, you can go and help out a few of our customers."

He was going to protest, but the look he was getting from the monster didn't seem all too friendly.

"Where?"

The monster pointed towards a table and without looking, Gintoki started walking towards the table, only to stop halfway, feeling his stomach churn.

"Ah, Toujo, I still don't see why this could be helpful." Kyuubei sat at one of the tables, katana next to her with a hand brought to her chin, her eyes closed in thought.

"This is just perfect for you, Waka, this way you can get used to men." Toujo answered, sitting down next her, careful to keep a safe distance between them. "These are men, while they actually aren't men but actuallywomen."

Kyuubei looked up, opening her eyes to look at her subordinate. "I think I understand whaty ou are implying, Toujo. It is a rather complicated matter… I somehow feel a form of sympathy for these women…"

Toujo nodded and smiled, looked up and saw an okama in a pink kimono nearing. "Ah, Miss!" Gintoki had just turned his back at them and was going to take a run for it when he heard the man calling for him. He cursed all gods he knew and put on his best okama-face.

"Yes, Sir?" He blinked a few times to add to the effect and was glad when Toujo didn't recognize him – the fan that he was holding partly over his face probably helped too.

"Would you care to bring us some sake please?" Gintoki nodded, walked to them as womanly as he could and brought them their drink, trying to hide his face a bit behind his hair and the fan. He poured it for them – fan still in place – trying to pour the sake quickly and make a run for it afterwards.

"Would you mind to accompany us for a bit? We'd love if it you would." Toujo said, patting the space between him and Kyuubei with his hand and glancing over at his young master, who nodded and scooted a bit further so that Gintoki could pass. Gintoki panicked, if he were recognized, he didn't even want to think about the consequences. His eyes darted back and forth, trying to look for a way out, only to lock with the eyes of his current boss, who cracked his/her knuckles, making the decision a tad bit easier for Gintoki.

Gintoki tried not to seem too terrified and slowly walked past Kyuubei to sit down next to her. He felt his knee come in contact with hers and was ready to give up his life but was surprised when the young woman didn't do anything.

"E-excuse me." Gintoki quickly said, not believing he had just escaped a horrible and cruel death by the hands of a crossdressing young lady –scratch that, psychopath - with an eye patch.

"I-it's nothing." Kyuubei replied, glancing at Toujo who stuck up his thumb and flashed a smile at her. Gintoki tried to act as natural as possible – at least how an okama would act – and finally sat down nervously. He was trapped, surrounded by two swordsmen – one of them being a deadly crossdressing man-woman – who couldn't find out his real identity under any circumstances, and then there was still Mademoiselle Saigou, who seemed even worse than the two above combined. This was really bad for his heart, he would surely get killed by a heart attack of stress, otherwise it would be one caused by a Death Note, but he hadn't done anything memorable enough to receive divine retribution from someone, at least he _hoped_ so…

"So…"

Toujo started, obviously trying to start up a conversation,

"How are you doing?"

And failing.

Gintoki tried to keep his cool, even though Kyuubei was looking intensely at him – maybe she wondered why he was keeping the fan in front of his face – and replied.

"Why thank you, Sir, I am doing just wonderful~." He waved his fan some more and fluttered with his eye lashes. "Would you like some more sake?" He asked, noticing Toujo had already drunk half of it. Kyuubei was still staring at him, making him uncomfortable, and even Toujo had noticed it. Gintoki tried to ignore it.

'_She's not on to me, she's not-' _

"You," She started, and Gintoki thought he was going to have a heart attack – damn Death Note – but tried to keep his hand steady seeing as he was pouring sake and the other one was keeping them from finding out his real identity, _yet_.

"Your eyes are shining with an intense light, a light that looks like it has seen a lot of battles…" She started. "I have the feeling I have fought you before, in a very intense battle even."

Gintoki sweat-dropped. _'That's because you have!' _He screamed in his mind, taking over Shinpachi's role in his absence.

"But still, I guess that is just ridiculous. Although I do have the feeling I have seen you somewhere before."

'_Once again, you actually know me very well!'_ But outwardly he just laughed lightly and continued to pour sake.

"Now that you say so, I do have the feeling that I have met you before, could it be?"

"Oh my, what a cheap pick-up line, Sir." Gintoki said to Toujo. _'If have to keep this up much longer I'm gonna need therapy…'_ He added as an afterthought.

Kyuubei looked him straight in the eye and he felt himself breaking out in sweat. That was it, they were coming too close right now. Gintoki slammed the sake bottle down on the table, effectively breaking it and sending its content all over the floor and his two guests.

"Oh my, what have I done." He said, acting to be both surprised and upset. "How clumsy of me, I will personally get you some more, Sir." He said, and with a wave, he dashed off, leaving Kyuubei and Toujo alone again, both covered in sake.

"And still, Toujo, I have the feeling I have battled her before." Kyuubei said, holding her chin with her right hand in thought.

"You might be right, Waka." Toujo said, a serious look passing over his features. "But if you do feel the need to battle her, Waka, I suggest you should wear this cosp –"

And Kyuubei knocked Toujo out with an uppercut that could rival Otae's.

Gintoki looked behind him, just in time to see Kyuubei deliver a blow to Ayumu, and he was glad he was no longer present at the party.

"Oi, Agomi!" He called, picking his nose.

"It's Azumi!"

"Whatever," He shrugged, "Those customers asked me if you could bring them some extra sake." He added and pointed to the Kyuubei's table, where Toujo had merged with the ceiling.

The okama walked over to the table and Gintoki turned away, he didn't want to have anything to do with this anymore. He still had five hours left before his job was finally finished and he couldn't wait to get home and drink some well-deserved strawberry milk, like real men. He ignored the fact that real men didn't wear women's clothes – it was a job, a man had to be able to throw his pride out of the window every now and then – and was going to go into hiding for the remaining two hours when once again he got caught by the monster him/herself. He scanned the area but was already too late.

"Paako," Gintoki didn't think he could make a run for it in and just listened to what he/she had to say – damn confusing okama. "Just now, some customers entered, go entertain them a little. Pour some sake for them and make some small talk, nothing big."

Gintoki wanted to say he had had his own fair share of customers today, but complied without any witty remarks or complaints, heading towards the direction he was told to. Once again, he froze halfway. This couldn't be happening, no, naha…

'_Whyyyyyy hiiiiim?!_'

He shook his head furiously, looked again and was damn sure he had seen right. This could _not_ be happening, this is something that happened in fanfiction! Oh wait, this was fanfiction… When and where had he signed for this again?

Hijikata Toshirou, demon vice-commander, had just been brought in by his commander, accompanied by Okita. They had left the vice-commander at a table and had exited the bar again. What the hell was that guy doing here? Not what, more like why? Why was a demon vice-commander spending his free time in an okama bar? Gintoki looked back at his boss, seeing him/her crack his knuckles again, he put up his hands in defense and unwillingly walked over to the table, sake bottle in hand.

"Hello, Sir." Gintoki sat down next to him, fluttered his eye lashes – that usually did the trick – and put the sake bottle down on the table with a thud, shielding his face mostly with one of his fans.

"Ah, hello." Hijikata replied absentmindedly– which was, under these circumstances, actually good – and put his cigarette out in the ash tray that had been placed on the table. Gintoki poured sake, still not getting Hijikata's complete attention, and poured some for himself as well.

'_If he's gonna be like that the whole time, there won't be a problem, right?'_ He inwardly thanked whoever up there responsible and took his sake cup, actually enjoying it for the first time that evening.

Hijikata was looking at the table and then glanced shortly at 'Paako'.

"Hey…" He suddenly spoke up, finally turning around to face Gintoki fully, who was starting to panic a little.

"Would you happen to have a lighter? I think I lost mine."

He sighed in relief.

"Certainly, Sir," Gintoki replied, "I'll go fetch you one." And he walked off.

'_He hasn't recognized me! Thank god…'_ Gintoki thought, grabbing some matches behind the bar and heading back to the room full of cigarette smoke and cheap lights. He walked back to Hijikata's table, at the far end of the room, and sat down next to the man who already had a cigarette between his lips.

"Would you?" He started to ask, Gintoki catching on what he meant.

'_Damn.'_ He'd have to put away his fan. Why hadn't he found a lighter or something? Never mind, it was too late anyway. He put the fan on the table, still trying to shield his face at least a bit with his hair and lit Hijikata's cigarette with a match. He muttered a thanks in return and visibly seemed to relax more as he inhaled the smoke. Gintoki took the fan and was already going to cover up his face a bit but Hijikata stared at him, intensely,_ very_ intensely…

"Mm…"

Gintoki started to sweat a little.

"I have the feeling I have seen you before, I feel a sudden annoyance by your presence but also a small form of respect… It is as if I have fought you before…"

'_That's because you freaking have!!'_ But Gintoki just put the sleeve of his kimono to his mouth to stiff a giggle. "I get that a lot, Sir."

"I'm sure you do…" Hijikata replied, taking the cigarette out of his mouth to blow out some smoke.

Hijikata stared at him again for what seemed like hours, but actually were only a few seconds. Gintoki stared back and suddenly saw Hijikata's eyes widen in recognition. Gintoki still had some hope that he hadn't been discovered yet, but quickly discarded that last bit of hope as soon as he heard the tone of Hijikata's voice.

"…Do you have no pride at all?"

Gintoki put his sake cup down and didn't even try to keep up the okama-act anymore.

"I threw my pride out of the window for a while and took this job to pay the rent."

"…"

"…What?"

"Go commit seppuku."

"…"

Gintoki thought it over for a second, and pulled out the okama-act again.

"My my, Sir, we do not use such language here~." He smiled at him and picked up the other's cup of sake. "Would you like some?"

"Don't 'Sir' me," He hissed.

"Then would you prefer 'Your Lordship'?" Gintoki added seductively.

"I don't give a damn!" And Hijikata slammed down his fist on the table.

"Oh my, Mister, you really do like violence." Gintoki replied, acting shocked, putting a hand in front of his mouth but not making any effort to get the other to calm down.

"Cut the act, Yorozuya. If you really think I'm gonna let myself be served by you while you're dressed like an o-"

"Sir." They had apparently attracted some attention and the boss of the bar had approached their table, "All of the ladies here have the honorable job of serving you clients, but please treat them with the necessary respect."

"Monsters should shut up!" And Hijikata turned his attention to Gintoki again.

Gintoki closed his eyes as he heard some more things break. Mademoiselle Saigou had hit Hijikata hard enough to send him flying to the other end of the bar.

"Who are you calling a monster?"

* * *

"Why am I stuck doing this?" Hijikata asked, trying not be embarrassed as he danced in front of a public while wearing a purple kimono with flower pattern, make-up and a wig.

"Cause you called the monster a monster."

"You just called him a monster as well!"

"But I am here on a job, Mayoko," Gintoki replied, dancing along, "A man must be able to throw away his pride."

Hijikata cursed. "I might as well commit seppuku."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Swing your hips more, Mayoko, if you go along for a bit the monster will let you go eventually."

"How long is 'a bit' exactly? And stop using that ridiculous name, Paako" Hijikata said, "Unlike you, I still have a job and people counting on me."

"You think I'm doing this for fun?"

"So it was you, back then."

"You mean with the Shogun? That was that old man's fault, I had nothing to do with it, I just did as I was told. I even tried to save the situation a bit."

"Whatever…" And Hijikata waved the fans some more, damn things…

The song was finally finished and both were glad as they descended the stage, getting a half-heartedly applause from their small public. Hijikata was only glad for that, heavens know what Sougo would do if he found out that he was dressed up as a woman and dancing in a bar with the Yorozuya, not that he didn't already know what was going on between the two of them. How he had figured that one out was still past him, he'd probably never know how the sadist got his ways.

"Paako, Mayoko." Both turned at the sound, instinctively holding each a fan to cover their face, only showing their eyes. "A client just requested to have a drink with you two." And he showed them the table. Hijikata froze in his tracks, as did Gintoki.

'_Whyyyyy hiiiiim?!'_ They simultaneously screamed out in their minds as they saw Okita Sougo sitting at a table, enjoying his sake. He noticed them and gave them his best smile, waving at them innocently.

They had approximately one minute to think of a plan. Escape was not possible, all they could do was act as natural as possible and hope – _pray_ – that Okita would not recognize them.

They sat down, Gintoki at his right and Hijikata at his right, and both held the fans to their face.

"Aw, come on, don't be shy." Okita said, lifting his glass and smiling, "The night has just begun!"

Both Hijikata and Gintoki had the sudden urge to make a run for it, but Okita lay a hand on their shoulder and smiled at both of them.

They looked at each other, each with the same look of dread.

'_We're doomed…'_

They had finally escaped, the bar had closed and Sougo had gone off, much to Hijikata's relief. He did however fear that Sougo had recognized him, he had probably taken a photo or something with that spy camera of his and was now on his way to his doom. He didn't think he'd be able to recover from this, he had already been accused of paying Yorozuya to sleep with him not to mention he had revealed some more info on some private matters that did not needed to be shared with the rest of the world. Hijikata went over to pick up his clothes and katana, together with Gintoki, glad to be able to change into his normal clothes again, and still mused what Sougo would do to blackmail him with this.

"But really, Hijikata-kun," Gintoki suddenly spoke up as soon as no one could hear them anymore, fluttering with his eye lashes for extra effect, "If you wanted to see Gin-san in a kimono, you could have just asked, I would've gladly done it for you~"

"Who in their right mind would want to see you like this?!"

"Oh that hurts, Oogushi-kun."

"It's Hijikata."

They entered their changing room and Hijikata threw his yukata and katana on the nearest bench, already getting the make-up off his face. Gintoki did the same, discarded the kimono and put on his normal clothes. Hijikata was already back in his yukata when Gintoki was still buttoning his shirt. Hijikata sat down, waiting for Gintoki to finish when the latter stood up and sat down next to him.

"You actually did look good in that outfit." Hijikata felt both faltered and insulted at the same time, but let the other kiss him anyway after making sure there was no one left. He deepened the kiss, feeling the other throw his arms around his neck while his easily slipped under his shirt, pulling him closer. His evening off had changed into a crossdressing party and this was a welcome distraction, he didn't have to think about the consequences of this evening anymore. They broke apart and Gintoki rested his forehead on Hijikata's, catching his breath.

"Oogushi-kun?"

"Hn?"

He grinned.

"You do realize I've just taken you to a gay bar?"

"… "

"…"

"…Go commit seppuku."

* * *

**Not much Okita in this one, but I promise to give him a bigger role in the next fic, whenever that may be. As said before, this was a request and I got an idea pretty quickly, so it was easy to write down, I can't guarantee that the next update will be that quick. I don't have to say much about this anymore, only that I held a poll on my LJ to see which name Hijikata should get as an Okama. Mayoko won in the end after all XD**

* * *


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